November...

Wow, I am getting to only a post a month?

I am getting pretty anxious with getting ready to start fertility treatments again. K is going in for his second interview Monday and I am praying soo very hard for him to get this job. We could get 90% fertility coverage, what a blessing!

I have two friends that recently had baby girls. They both have had multiple miscarriages and so "deserve" these precious babies. But it reminds me again of what I should have. I should have Neve here. She would be 3 months old. The whole "why not me" comes into my mind. Why couldn't I have been the one that had a miscarriage but then go on to having a baby. Why am I having to wait so long for K to get a good job with benefits. Why can't I be someone that just gets pregnant and STAYS pregnant.

I feel a prisoner in my own body. Trapping me in this life where I can not do what I want.

I have been rebelling since we lost our last baby in May. I stopped taking my vitamins, baby aspirin and other daily meds. It feels like freedom. Not being a slave to these many pills. It is so hard to describe. I also feel like if I can't do fertility treatments then I am not going to go through the motions that I do when I am doing the shots and ultrasounds. Maybe it's that it reminds me of what I can't do right now. That must be it.

With that not taking or remembering to take meds, I also keep forgetting to take my anti-depressants. Maybe that is why I am crying now.

I go through these episodes where I am so emotional and depressed and then I realize that I haven't taken the Zoloft for a week! DUH! That is one pill I need to take.

October..

This year has gone by fast and slow. I have been crying a lot lately, and I am not really sure why. One reason might be that I am forgetting to take my anti-depressant. So they really work? Another is that we still don't have health insurance, so we can't start trying again. Another might be that we moved into a new house and K is still looking for a good job. I want to decorate the house and make it feel like a home. I am so grateful to live here but we are paying more and making so much less money.

We are living in this house because my parents moved to another state and they had JUST bought this house. They needed to sell it but couldn't without a losing 7,000 or more. So we agreed to rent it from them until they could sell it next year to us. It totally helped them out and we are now living above ground instead of our basement apartment.

I have been getting a lot of people asking if we are going to try again. Like we gave up or are just to busy to try. Or that we aren't interested in having a baby anymore. I just smile and say, "when we get health insurance we will start again". It hurts to be stuck here, in limbo. Waiting for something I can't make happen. I have been nagging K about getting a job lately. I just feel so utterly helpless and desperate. It feels like a lifetime ago that we were going to the Dr to get ultrasounds and taking fertility drugs. But it was only April. That isn't that long ago right?

When we moved I also took over my mom's business. Taking care of people's pets when they are out of town, or walking their dog when they are at work, Pet Sitting. It is a fun job. I also agreed to do it because when we start trying again it is a flexible enough job that I can do it and go to the millions of doctor's appointments. The only hitch is when I am pregnant, I won't be able to do the litter boxes of the kitties. Since that is a big NO-NO! I told my mom about that and she said, "oh it will be fine, just wear a mask." Lovely that my own mom that knows now of my 3 miscarriages doesn't think that possible birth defects are a concern! She is also the lady that didn't think twice of taking my baby cousin ( a few months ago) in her baby car seat carrier on a ride in the car in the FRONT seat! She wrapped the seat belt all weird around the car seat and buckled her in. My aunt was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED to see her infant in the front seat. Another reason why my mom will never babysit our kids. She doesn't take safety seriously.

Why am I so negative? I want something good to happen sooo very bad. I hate being depressed like this. One happy thing is that my parents left their pets with us. The house they are renting doesn't accept pets. So we are foster parents to a cat, Oreo and a mini schnauzer, Elliott. They are so fun. I now know why infertile couples get "fur babies"!! They make you feel like you are needed and you have a lot of the same responsiblities as parents. K has even been calling me "mommy" to the pets.

I am going to try to post more often. Just don't be disappointed if it's still depressing...

Her Due Date

Today is a two in one. A year ago we found out we were pregnant with twins. It was a happy and special day. Seeing two babies on the ultrasound. I was overjoyed to know my first pregnancy would be twins. We felt they were boy/girl twins.
Today is also Neve's due date. The day we got our positive pregnancy test was the first snow, and we were ecstatic! K wrote her name in the snow. We thought we were having a girl and Neve means snow in Portuguese. I have always loved the "first snow". It is magical to me. When I calculated when I would be due with her, I was comforted to know it would be the same day that we found out that we were expecting twins. It felt like a comforting gift from God. Now, I don't know what to think. When we lost her, we found out through testing that she was indeed a girl. It was bittersweet. Feeling comforted to know that I was pregnant with our little girl and also sad knowing what we had lost. This day is especially difficult because we are not able to "try" right now. It is so much easier to suffer through an anniversary when I am actively trying to achieve pregnancy.

I watched a friend's baby for a few days and he went home last night. He was 8 months old and we had him overnight for two nights. It was so sweet to have this baby sleeping in our nursery. But it was also so heartbreaking. K and I would quietly open the door and peek at him sleeping. I thought about how we should be peeking to see our little girl. Dressed in pink pajamas and softly sleeping. It makes my heart feel so hollow. I wonder what she would have looked like. Would she be my baby with red hair and soft curls that I have dreamed of having since I was 9 years old? Would it be more painful to see what she would have looked like? I don't know. But not knowing what our four little babies would have looked like makes me cry, like right now. 4 babies! I can't even fathom it and yet it has happened to me. I remember thinking during my first pregnancy, "what if I lost them?" I remember thinking, "that would kill me, I couldn't handle that!". I have found out that we can handle way more than we can even imagine. Because I would have never imagined a year after I first found out we were expecting twins that I would be sitting here crying over losing 3 pregnancies.

My mom doesn't even know about the last baby we lost. I now know who I can go to in my life that will say the right things and those that say the wrong things. I have become closer to some friends and more distant to others. This last year has forever changed me. And it is up to me to use these experiences as growing, learning and positive experiences. That is a huge challenge. To move forward from the pain and tears and find a reason to smile each day.

A year ago..

A year ago today, was the happiest I can remember for a very long time. August 1st was the day we got our first positive pregnancy test! So very much has happened since then. Why do I still not have my babies? I remember going to get my blood drawn to confirm the pee stick test. I remember greeting my sister with joy as I told her that I was pregnant. We jumped up and down and squealed with excitement. I called tons of relatives and was able to share the news. I was finally pregnant. I look back at those photos from that day and smile a wistful and pained smile. I am so hurt that those memories are tainted with what happened a month later. We told many relatives during a family reunion a few days later with shirts that we made. We put our titles on them, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt, Grandma and so on. I remember telling them, "and it could be twins!" Knowing that I had two eggs, so I *could* be pregnant with twins. Only to find out 11 days later, yes, you are having twins! I took 3 days to get over the shock of that news. But then I was hooked, I was going to be a twin mommy and loved the idea. I read all kinds of information about having twins. I searched online for twin baby gear. A double stroller was my obsession. I was constantly looking for an affordable. One that had two baby car carriers. I would rub my tummy, smile and get so excited and say over and over in my head, I AM PREGNANT! It was so fascinating to me.

I feel like such a failure that the only reason why I am here a year later with no babies, is because of this rare disease that clots my blood. I was googling it today. In search for a support group of women that have Antiphospholipid Antibodies, and within that group, someone who is also allergic to Heparin. My doctor and nurses are content with trying out another drug that is close to $5,000 a month and just "see" if I have an allergic reaction. And if I do, then we are back to square one. And I will be pregnant needing immediate treatment, and "trying out" different options. This scares me so much, terrifies me. Risking another miscarriage. I don't want to be a 4 time miscarriage "survivor". I want my doctor to consult with other experts and find a better option. I don't want to risk more loss. I have enough going against me, I don't need to add more risk because my doctor doesn't want to research alternative treatments.

My mom just came over and brought me flowers. My brother and probably sister told her that I was having a rough time. Of course it made me cry. With our $ flow practically becoming a drip, and just being depressed that I have lost 4 babies in the last 11 months, I am depressed. I am not taking any antidepressants because we don't have insurance and can not afford them. But we also can not afford me not working. I am so conflicted.

And it just hurts that as I stand there with those sympathy flowers in my hand she tells me to stop talking about sad things. And she even said "I have been where you are". No. You. Have. Not.

If you have not experienced a miscarriage, let alone three, do not tell someone you know how they feel or have been where they are. Please.

I want my life back, I don't want to obsess that our freezer is becoming empty and our food storage is being raided daily. And that we are going to be out of money in a week. Or that my future *due date* is being pushed back further and further.

I want to obsess about my baby. Is she eating enough, is she growing right, is she sleeping right. All those mommy things.

But until then, I will try to hold it together.

1 in 7,000 chance...

Looks like I have a 1 in 7,000 chance of being allergic to Heparin. I know that those aren't staggering odds. 7,000 isn't like 1 in a million. But when you stop to consider the odds of not being able to ovulate, odds of having a blood clotting disorder and then add the odds of being allergic to Heparin, it seems like I am 1 in a million!

And the signs are pointing that I am allergic to Heparin. This is the drug that I have to inject 2 times a day for 40 weeks while I am pregnant, in order to STAY pregnant. I am getting horrible itchy patches at the injection site. I have had a few manic itchy moments where I am scratching with a frenzy and then hurry to put a cold washcloth on it. Makes me stop scratching for a bit! Last month I got the rashes too, but they thought it was a allergic reaction to the tiny round bandaids we used at each injection. So I stopped using them, and it slowly got better (but I was no longer pregnant, and no longer taking heparin). Then I started a new cycle and at ovulation I started the heparin again. And about 4 days later I got a new HUGE rash.

Enter me not happy.

Why must each new chapter of this be so hard? A few years ago I didn't know if I would EVER be able to become pregnant. I thought, this is my great challenge in life, trying to conceive. I really thought that. Why would I think otherwise. I didn't know of anyone that had tried for 3 years to become pregnant only to lose 3 pregnancies and 4 babies in 9 months. I am not trying to sound whiney, I just didn't fathom this course of events. So I took this new challenge and I am not letting it beat me. But there are many times I get mad at life. WHY ME? And why so many different things at once and all piled on top of each other?

I do need to be grateful that I am coping. I tell people that my strength is NOT my own. I feel as if God gives me that little bit of comfort I need to push forward. I am still depressed, but I can function, for the most part. I go to work, my house is mostly clean, I take a bath every day, I cook, I smile at friends and family, I went to a wedding. All those normal things I can still do. But sometimes I want a big prize, a big medal, for doing the normal stuff. I say to Kelly, "LOOK at me, I think I could be A LOT worse off!" Like becoming a hermit, it is very tempting at times. Those times when my tears are just a breath away.

I took the girl I babysit to the pet store today. And as we were getting out of the car, there was a mini van next to us. They unloaded twin girls, less than 3 years old, and a younger sister that was 1 year old. And I wanted to tell the mom that we have a twin connection. Like when you meet someone with your same last name, or they know someone you know. But how do you tell someone, "I was pregnant with twins, but they died...they would be about 3 months old now" So as we went around the store looking at the same things and then leaving the store at the same time, I was sad in my heart. I can't share my babies with anyone. Can't tote around a double stroller and have people say, "Oh, look, it's twins!" And their only photos are ultrasounds of tiny blobs that are just depressing now.

I guess this post is depressing too! But this is how I am feeling tonight. And in many ways I feel like I have "earned" the right to be sad and gloomy. Just call me Eeyore....

One more angel in heaven....

I don't really know how to start this. We got pregnant again and found out on Cinco de Mayo, the 5th of May. We went in that day for a blood test and we were excited and hopeful for about 8 hours, and then we got the numbers for the test. The number that tells you"how" pregnant you are. The last 2 times my first number was 45 and 56. This time it was 7, seven! And six is pregnant. The nurse was not positive about it and we were devastated once again. But friends told me, you might have just implanted late or ovulated later. Both Doctors were positive and encouraging, saying that it was okay and that is where they thought the numbers should be. So we were once again waiting to find out if our baby was going to live or die. I had to wait six days. Praying that this one will be the baby that makes it. I was taking the blood thinner and the progesterone and doing everything that is possible to save the baby. On May 11th, I had another blood test and it showed the pregnancy was over, the number went down. So I stopped taking the extra medicine and waited for the miscarriage to happen. I lost our 4th baby over Mother's Day weekend. Cruel irony. I feel like by the time we actually have our baby, all of the holidays are going to be changed by sad memories.

It is hard when people happily ask, "so how are you?" because they don't know what is happening in our lives. I want to say, "horrible, we just lost our 4th baby! I may cry at any given moment, so don't feel funny if I do. I am being pumped once again with fertility drugs and still grieving my baby." But I don't say that, I just say, "pretty good". I feel like I am denying my pain and also not repecting our lost babies. It's such a inner conflict. Not wanting to have to share our most personal pain, but also wanting friends and family to know that we are suffering and that is why we may not seem ourselves. And for the ones that don't know about our last two losses, I want them to know I am not just depressed about the twins and that we aren't trying again. But if we tell them then they may ask in a few weeks if we are pregnant, and I will have to lie to their face! I want to share our joy, but the fear of it happening for the 4th time is a reason to wait.

Last night we had an ultrasound and the Dr found 3 follicles! I have always had 2 follicles so this was really exciting, just feeling like our chances are that much greater! How awesome. So now begins the 2 week wait. We both feel like this month and this pregnancy will be the one that will lead to our baby. This also is such a weird feeling, I lost our last baby 2 weeks ago and now in 2 weeks I will probably be pregnant again?! When people say this is a roller coaster, they aren't kidding.

My thoughts, but someone elses words

I have found a large group of bloggers that have also lost babies. Today one of these fellow bloggers posted this beautiful and accurate discription of grief. I thought I would share her words.

Grief is like a well, a well that is so deep you can't even comprehend if or where it might end. You spend a lot of time in it, and eventually make your way to the top, where you hang out, sometimes inside, sometimes partly outside. Sometimes you are sitting on the edge, dangling your feet over the side. Very occasionally you leave altogether and the well just sits at the end of the garden; you always come back to it. Often you come back involuntarily, an incident or image or person drags you back, sometimes even lifts you bodily and throws you down deep. If you are lucky you remember where the footholds are, and where the chinks that your fingers fit in are and you can get yourself out a bit faster and with fewer cuts and bruises than last time. Sometimes you take yourself down to the end of the garden and flirt with the well. You dip a toe in, or lie on your stomach at the edge and peer down. You might throw stones down it, to see how deep it is. Occasionally you throw caution to the wind and step in, hurtling yourself down; afterwards you wonder why you are so cruel to yourself but you also recognize the rewards of remembering. You know that you can't have the memories without the well, so you accept it and even start to incorporate it into the larger landscape of the garden. You plant around it in ways that draw subtle attention to it, it becomes a place you don't avoid but you also don't approach it without awareness. Other people comment on the beauty of your garden, and the worthwhile ones include the well in their assesment. The well is part of your landscape, and you learn to live with it somewhat gracefully, sometimes even proudly; it is no longer deep enough to swallow all of your joy.